my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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