My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
