At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
