Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
