Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
