Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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