Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
