This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
