Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
we're so committed to being not committed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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