...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
