The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dicks are not precious.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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