My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
