is your mom at the bar?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
