I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
