Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
