Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
