Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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