Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
