Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
