this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
