hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
