You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
