I didn't shave. On purpose
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
