I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
