she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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