peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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