The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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