Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
