Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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