birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
