Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
