I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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