im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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