If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
