Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
