You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
