Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
