i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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