I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
