In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
