so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
