The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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