you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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