Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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