I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
