i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
