I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
