Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
