Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
