I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
