I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
