I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
