Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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