my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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