walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
