Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
