dude i'm inner monologue high
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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