Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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