Your face is a jimmy john
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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