captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
