I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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