That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im six kinds of drunk right now
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
