I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
