I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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