Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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