I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
